Stay Long Enough
One Conscious Breath: Issue 21
Teaching our body it's safe now.
"Emotions are simple physiology ~ they tell us energy is being activated within us. They are not negative nor positive. They simply are. The practice isn't figuring out why they're arising. It's learning to be with them as they arise so they can be acknowledged, honored and released."
Before we begin, I invite you to take one conscious breath.
Feel the cool air as it enters your nostrils. Follow it as deeply as it goes into your body.
And then exhale. Out of your mouth. Slowly. Elongate the release as much as you can. And as you exhale, feel your shoulders drop. Feel your jaw soften. Feel your feet firmly on the floor.
Now pause.
Give yourself permission to simply be. In this silence. For just one conscious breath. And then gently meet whatever arises ~ whatever has been waiting underneath all the inner and outer noise ~ for a moment of stillness like this one.
And when you’re ready ~ let’s begin.
Last week I shared with you that feeling safe within our own selves is easier than we think. It is… and it’s a play on words ~ in order to know this to be true, requires us to drop out of our thinking brain and into our feeling body. This week, I set out to write about how to discern whether what we’re feeling is caused by something happening in the present moment, or whether it’s a memory feeling being activated, an echo of an emotion that hasn’t been adaptively released yet.
But somewhere in the writing and re-writing and re-writing, I touched upon a deeper, more important truth. What actually accelerates our return to our core Self faster is not simply differentiating if an emotion belongs to the present or to the past. It’s how we meet the emotion when it’s arising. Because whatever is arising, is asking to be acknowledged ~ to be seen, felt and ultimately, released. And we are more capable of being with our emotions when we are connected to our fully resourced, core Self.
The work is learning how to turn toward our emotions, and meeting them courageously, compassionately, and open-heartedly, in the moment they arise. Remember, emotions release within 90 seconds when we give them the space they need.
When I think about how I learned to be with my emotions, I often return to day four of my first ten-day Vipassana meditation retreat. Because on that particular day, I'd been sitting in silence long enough for something to begin to rise within me that I didn't expect ~ I felt ablaze. Heat rising up through my body, feeling as if I was on fire. And, although confused and admittingly a bit terrified, I continued to sit. Knowing, truly, that I was not really on fire. It took me quite some time later to accurately name the energy that was pulsing through me ~ rage. Decades of repressed, unprocessed emotion, finally having the ideal conditions to surface. I could have run from the intensity. But, instead, I stayed.
And herein lies the true gift of what staying taught me: in order to heal, we must return to feeling. And whatever re-activates feeling within us, turns out to be gold when we learn how to be with our emotions. Because feeling is one of the most human things we can experience. We just need to remember that it is safe to do so because at some point in time, it wasn’t.
When we were small, if we didn’t have a caregiver be with us and teach us, teach our nervous system, that emotions were safe to feel and release, those emotions, that energy, didn’t simply evaporate. For many of us, it got repressed, unconsciously stored in our body. Remember: emotions are energy, and that energy has to go somewhere. What was brilliant at protecting us when we were little, when we had no other choice, can be the very thing keeping us stuck now. Stuck to be triggered over and over again. This isn’t to punish us, as punishing as it may feel. But it signals us ~ letting us know where we still need to heal. It’s the trigger that’s gold ~ leading us precisely to the wound that is now ready to be released.
And when we turn toward the emotion itself ~ rather than the story of who or what caused it ~ we get one conscious breath closer to feeling safe within, and to reclaiming our own core Self. Because, as adults, safety needs to be reclaimed within, first and foremost. It was, and always will be, an inside job. The trigger that leads us to our emotions is the very pathway back to our core Self, our heart. And this feeling of safety within isn’t just a concept ~ it’s a practice: courageously, curiously and compassionately returning, again and again, to what’s happening inside our own body, one conscious breath at a time.
So, what do we actually do when we are triggered and emotion gets activated? We first must be aware of what is happening within us. A way I like to circumvent any judgment or shame that may arise when this happens, is to differentiate us from our autonomic nervous system reaction. Remember, it’s automatic, and it’s simply repeating a pattern that it learned to keep us feeling safe.
When triggered, our autonomic nervous system goes into a heightened activation ~ a threat response. Notice what you feel happening within your body and mind when triggered ~ perhaps you feel a tightening in your chest or a constriction in your jaw. Maybe stories get created about yourself, others or the situation. Simply just notice here ~ increasing your awareness to how your nervous system is reacting.
This noticing creates a pause that gives you just enough space to ask: “is this nervous system response necessary and helpful in this moment in time?” And then, you begin to remember, you have choice. Your nervous system may sense an emotion as a threat, perhaps at some point it was. And that may be why it’s reacting in the first place. But just because it’s always been a threat, doesn’t mean it always has to be. Especially when we grow up and have more resources. And remembering we have choice now allows us to begin to do something different. And update our nervous system to the present.
It was meditation that taught me to bear witness to my emotions ~ to simply notice them, without needing to stop or change them. Simply bring my awareness back to my breath. And that ability to witness alone is a gift. But science has finally caught up with meditation. And we know now we can actively update our nervous system to flexibility and safety in the present moment, instead of being stuck in a threat response longer than necessary. When we are aware that our nervous system is signaling an emotion as a threat, and that we have more capacity to be with emotions now, our work is to bring our body back into safety so that we may adaptively feel and release the emotion. Every time we pause and allow an emotion to move through us, we are actively rewiring our nervous system to the present: it is safe now to feel this. This is what makes this practice both empowering and accelerated. We're not passively waiting for our body to signal when it finally feels safe. We're actively teaching it, one conscious breath at a time, that it already is.
A Practice for This Week
The next time you feel triggered and you’re not under immediate threat, pause. Take one conscious breath.
Notice where you’re feeling any sensation ~ a tightening in your chest, a constriction in your jaw. Perhaps you feel heat or holding. Whatever you notice, bring your awareness to it. Let it be exactly as it is, without adding a story of what it may mean. Take one conscious breath. Really elongate your exhale. And then drop your shoulders and feel your body soften.
Allow any emotion the space to rise in intensity, without trying to stop it or interpret it. Emotions have a very short life span when we give them the space needed to rise and release. The emotions will rise. And then crest. And it may feel like more than you can bear. But take one more conscious breath. And stay a little longer. Because it will break. And release. All within 90 seconds. The energy will move and you will feel a little more calm. A little more clear. A little more connected to your core Self.
There is no right or wrong here. It’s simply the practice of staying a little longer, even for just one more conscious breath.
This is what an adaptive emotional release feels like, an emotion completing its full arc.
Feeling safe within isn’t about never being triggered. It’s about learning to meet whatever arises ~ with tenderness, openness, and the compassion we so readily offer others.
Because whatever is arising is asking for our attention and is ready to be released. Our work is learning how to stay with it ~ just a bit longer.
I’d love to hear what you notice this week and any questions or challenges you may have encountered along the way. Comment below and let me know.
With love and One Conscious Breath,
Jody
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