Coherence

What if we could rise above conflict? What if we are looking at ourselves, each other and the world from the wrong perspective? I don't mean "wrong" in a punitive, pejorative way. I mean, wrong in a limited way. Imagine a diamond, with many facets. We can choose to look at any one of them and see the jewel from a different perspective. However, when we are in conflict, and our autonomic nervous system is in a state of fight or flight (or shut down), we have limited ability to see the situation from any other perspective than a threat. And when our nervous system feels under threat, our body and brain work to help us feel safe again. However, for most of us, our bodies and brains are repeating unconscious patterns that kept us feeling safe when we were very little. And what helped us feel safe when we were little, becomes outdated as we gain more choice and resources. The work, ultimately, is making a conscious choice between the past and the present, bringing our present day self back into a felt sense of safety. Because the truth is, we have more choice, resources, knowledge, awareness, experience, and methods of coping now then we had when our bodies and brains began wiring for our safety when we were very little.

So, this begs the question - when we grow up and have more resources, choice, knowledge, awareness, experience and enhanced methods of coping, are the automatic means of protection still protecting us? Or might they be over-protective, outdated, keeping us feeling stuck and unsafe, ultimately disconnected from ourselves, others and the world? In the present, are we actually more capable of feeling our emotions, finding solutions and remaining in coherence, safety and connection within ourselves, with others and with the world? The question becomes, is this physiological response necessary and helpful, given these circumstances, in this moment in time?

Most of the time, the answer will be no.

It behooves us to tune in, to know, what a heightened sympathetic threat response feels like in our bodies and our brains. What a dorsal, shut down, response feels like. What is happening within our body? What are the stories our brain is telling us about the current situation? Perhaps a heightened sympathetic response or dorsal shut down may have protected us when we were really small and had no other options to return our bodies and brains to a felt sense of safety. But now, as adults, we have many more choices and freedom than we did when we were little. Are we under such threat, in the present moment, that we need adrenalin and cortisol pulsing through our body? Or, are we better able to assess the current situation, with more clarity and coherence, if our bodies were not prepped to fight or flee (or shut down)? And if our brains were not repeating outdated stories of threat and disempowerment?

In order to engage in a healthy relationship with ourself, others and the world, our nervous system must return to a felt sense of safety - from dysregulation to regulation, from incoherence to coherence. And ultimately, we must remember we have the power to rewire our bodies and brains back into a felt sense of safety, in the present time, whenever we recognize they are re-experiencing wiring that began to help us feel safe when we were too little to have any other choice.

Therefore, conflict isn't about right or wrong - as much as our egos would like to tell us it is. Conflict is actually about incoherence. When we are feeling dysregulated, unsafe, incoherent within, we are unable to remain in connection with ourselves, others and the world from an open, compassionate, understanding place. We are unable to view experiences from multiple perspectives because our body and brain are more narrowly focused on protecting us from the "threat". When we first bring awareness to what is happening within our body when we feel in conflict, we can slow down our sympathetic response and rise above our ego's need to be 'right'. When we have brought coherence within ourselves first, we are better able to move toward finding solutions and staying in connection with others and the world.