Rupture to Repair -- "The Wound is Where the Light Enters..."

Ruptures are a natural part of relationships -- they happen as we are learning one another. And let's be honest, we are constantly learning one another, because each of us brings our own life history (and future hopes and fears) to the present moment. Not to mention we are always growing and evolving. I would be surprised if there were no moments of miscommunication, misunderstanding, or misalignment in a relationship. If they don’t happen, it might be worth asking whether we’re living authentically: Are we speaking our truth? Asking for what we need? Experiencing deep relationships? Since ruptures are bound to happen, the question is not how to avoid experiencing a rupture. The question becomes -- how do we come back into connection, within ourselves first, so that we may authentically repair with others?

Differences and disruptions in our relationships are not the problem. In fact, they are what make relationships stronger. "The wound is the place where the light enters you," is how Hemingway expressed it. Ruptures illuminate a wound within us. Ruptures only become maladaptive when they go unrepaired. Learning how to repair after a rupture, how to come back into connection, ideally begins in early childhood. How did our caregivers handle disagreements, conflicts and power struggles? Were we allowed to share our opinions while still feeling seen, heard, understood and respected — even in disagreement? Did we learn the essence of repair? How to stay safe in connection within ourselves and others, even through differences?

What we learned around disagreements and ruptures when we were little becomes how we handle conflict and our ability to repair later in life. True repair requires openness, and openness requires accessibility toward vulnerability. There are so many books written on this very topic, yet openness, accessibility and vulnerability aren't things we think our way into — they are experiences we feel. First and foremost, they come from the body and the heart. But our hearts can only stay open when our bodies feel safe. So, how do we know when we’re truly safe to feel? What does safety feel like inside each of us? And if we don’t feel safe within, what might be preventing it? Is there a rupture within ourselves? When we return to a felt sense of safety within, we create accessibility for openness and vulnerability to emerge — the very qualities needed to invite healing and repair to happen -- within ourselves first, then with others.

So, what keeps us from feeling safe within? Oftentimes this stems from an internal rupture—a disconnect between what our minds believe to be true and what our bodies are experiencing. Because the body never lies, the first step is to discern whether it is responding to an actual threat in the present moment or to an activation of a memory feeling of a threat long since survived. Our brains and bodies are not deceiving us; rather, they are drawing from deeply ingrained survival patterns formed in early childhood. If, as children, we did not receive consistent co-regulation from caregivers—those moments of being held, seen, and soothed—our autonomic nervous system learned to protect us through defenses that helped us survive overwhelming emotions. Over time, this misattunement within ourselves and between our earliest attachment figures, might have brought about core erroneous beliefs that something must be wrong with us, we do not deserve to have our needs met or be truly loved. Or even internal laws that if we experience emotions, we are not safe or will be out of control. We stop listening to and trusting our bodies and our hearts, and begin to over intellectualize -- and the internal rupture has begun.

It is crucial to start identifying whether our defenses are responding appropriately to our current life situation or if they are habitually reacting based on an outdated, learned pattern that was created to keep us feeling safe as children. When we were young, disconnecting from our bodies and hearts when emotions arose, might have been the only viable option to feel safe if we did not have consistent, attuned co-regulation by a caregiver. However, once we grow up, these same habituated reactions to emotions can leave us in a near-constant state of perceived threat. The update now is to gently reconnect with our bodies -- noticing where emotions live, energy is stuck, tension is held, or shutdown has occurred. Restoring a sense of safety in the body, is not only quicker than trying to change our thoughts, but when the body feels safe again, the mind naturally follows. When we realign our body and mind to the present, we update old patterns, regain self-trust, and reclaim any younger parts still holding these outdated ways of coping, helping us feel safe again. And only when we feel safe within, are we truly accessible to repair relationships with others.

I invite you to bring your awareness to the places you may be feeling tension and constriction in your body. Where is your body sending the signal that it needs to be braced for impact? Once you begin to notice, you may ask the question, "Is this response necessary and helpful in this present moment?" If the answer is no (and it will almost always be no), you can use your breath and awareness to soften, release the tension and constriction in your body. In this very moment, you are rewiring your body back into a felt sense of trust and safety. Continue to go to these places within and begin to soften, drop your shoulders. Your breath and awareness will begin to thaw the frozen parts of yourself, the parts that have been stuck in a state of survival, long after the threat has ended. This is how we reconnect with our core self — the rock solid place within us that knows we have all of the resources, experience, knowledge and awareness to connect back to ourselves and others with trust, safety and love. And only from this place, when repair happens within first, are we open to truly repair ruptures between.